The Power of Showing Up: Book Review
Written By: Ivelisse Dyson, Counseling Intern
Key Words: Parenting, Attachment, Attachment Styles
Disclaimer: The information and resources provided in this blog post are simply supplementary information. The recommendations and resources in this post are not a substitute for mental health treatment.
The Power of Showing Up: Book Review
In their book, The Power of Showing Up, Daniel Siegal and Tina Payne Bryson use acronyms to help readers remember important concepts, such as the 4 S's and PEACE, which focus on establishing secure attachments with children. The book begins by explaining that secure attachment is a significant part of helping to raise kids who become confident, independent, and resilient adults and lead happier and more fulfilling lives. Parents can facilitate the formation of secure attachment by providing their children with the four S’s:
Safe
Seen
Soothed
Secure
Siegal and Bryson proceed to define the four attachment styles an individual can develop. First avoidant attachment in which one's parents are indifferent or insensitive to the child's signals and needs. Next, ambivalent attachment occurs when a child's parents are inconsistent with nurturing and attunement as well as indifference and insensitivity. Similarly, disorganized attachment forms when parents are severely unattuned, frightening, or the parents themselves are frightened. Finally, secure attachment results from parents being present and attuned to the child's needs.
Essentially, an individual's relationship with their parents and other caregivers impacts their relationships with their children. The optimistic takeaway from this chapter is that even if one does not have a secure attachment style themselves, they can break the cycle of passing down insecure attachment to their children. Secure attachment can be learned and built by working to understand one's experiences, engaging in internal reflection, forming reliable interpersonal connections, and showing up for oneself and children.
The remainder of the book dives into a deeper explanation of how to enact the four S’s:
Safety includes basic survival (food and shelter), overall health, and protection from physical and emotional harm from someone else or even from ourselves.
Do no harm: Make a commitment not to be a source of fear in your home. Find a coping strategy that works for you so you do not appear to be a threat. For example, take a deep breath and let the exhale last longer than the inhale, or count to ten.
Repair! When a rupture occurs in your relationship, reconnect as soon as possible and, if necessary, apologize. It is okay if you do not handle every situation well-- it gives your kids an opportunity to navigate a difficult situation and develop or practice coping skills. Additionally, this models for your kids that breaches in relationships are tolerable and can be repaired. Navigating a rupture and repair also conveys that your kids can count on you to show up even when things get tough between you.
Help your kids feel snug in a safe harbor: Create an environment of safety and well-being. By engaging in conversations that acknowledge uncomfortable feelings, your children will learn that you are a safe place they can return to as needed to find calmness and clarity. Reliable communication in this way conveys that you can be relied upon to protect and support them during distressing or frightening times.
Children feel seen when you practice perceiving your child's internal mental state to convey that you understand them, use your imagination to make sense of their inner feelings, and respond quickly and efficiently; this is referred to as mindsight.
Let your curiosity lead. Curiosity is key. If you lead with curiosity, you will be able to look beyond preconceived ideas and avoid making snap judgments. Doing so will help you to understand what they are experiencing.
Make space and time. Consistently scheduling a few minutes at the end of the day to ask your kids about their day might give you deeper insight into their world. If your child is already chatty before bed, try guiding the conversation to be more focused for greater connection and understanding.
Soothing is achieved by joining a child; joining a child is a form of being present and showing up. Joining a child provides a witness to their distress. Comfort fosters openness to inner mechanisms that heal pain, reduce distress, and reinforce resilience. Soothing your child helps them learn personal inner soothing.
Build a calming internal toolkit: Practice proactive soothing and watch for ways to rein in the reactivity before it gets too intense. Create an internal toolkit with your child. Some examples of tools to include are providing them with a calm space, soothing music, a list of energy-releasing movements, or a distress signal to ask for help.
Offer your P-E-A-C-E to promote inner self-soothing. When your kids are upset, give them presence, engagement, affection, calm, and empathy.
Security is created by consistently implementing the other S's. By implementing the first three S's with your children, they will also learn to use them themselves and create their own security.
Invest in a relational trust fund. By quickly, sensitively, and predictably responding to them and meeting their needs, you build your child's trust in your relationship, growing the relational trust fund.
Teach mindsight skills. Mindsight not only allows your kids to make themselves feel more secure by showing up for themselves, but it also assists them in understanding other people's minds. Developing mindsight will help them have secure, meaningful, and significant relationships with themselves and with others.
Remember, there is no such thing as perfect parenting, but with this information, you are one step closer to being a present parent!
References
Siegel, & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The power of showing up : how parental presence
shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired (First edition.). Ballantine Books.