Combatting Boundary Crossing
Written by: Lia Shaffer-Tropeano
Key Words: Boundary setting, relationships, communication.
Disclaimer: The information and resources provided in this blog post are simply supplementary information. The recommendations and resources in this post are not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Combatting Boundary Crossing
Establishing boundaries is a key aspect of any relationship. The absence of boundaries can potentially give way for misunderstanding, wrongful decision making and unintended hurt feelings. Not only do boundaries help us better understand those in our lives, they also help us better understand ourselves and our own needs. It may take time to understand and set your boundaries, therefore it is important to remember that everyone moves at their own pace with personal development and understanding. If you have taken the time to establish your boundaries, you know the work doesn’t stop there. Creating them is just the beginning; boundaries require constant commitment, not only from others but also from yourself. Sometimes it can become tricky when sharing your boundaries with others. Due to the intricacies of human relationships, it is likely you’ll find yourself in a situation where someone has crossed them. Establishing and sharing your boundaries is one thing, but understanding how to move forward once your boundaries have been crossed is a whole other ball game.
People will react to their boundaries being crossed in a multitude of ways. Boundaries are personal and self-focused, there’s no blueprint for how to react once they’ve been crossed. Some may be angry and feel a deep sense of betrayal while others might react by acknowledging the overstep and reinforcing them. However one might react, here are some tools to help combat boundary crossing:
Reaffirm what your boundaries are. Be clear on what you’re comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. If there is ambiguity with what your boundaries are, there is a higher likelihood of them being crossed. Clarity begins with you. If you aren’t certain what your boundaries are, take some time and reflect on situations where you’ve felt comfortable and situations where you’ve felt uncomfortable.
Share with the other party how they’ve crossed them. When letting someone know they have crossed a boundary, be clear about exactly what happened. It is best to try not to use accusatory language as this can lead to defensive and ineffective communication. If the relationship is safe, you should be able to let the person know that their actions crossed a line without worrying about retaliation or dangerous behavioral responses.
Ask for what you would like to happen in the future. People aren’t perfect and they are bound to make mistakes. A key point of overcoming a boundary cross is allowing the space for forgiveness and making an effort to move forward together. After establishing how your boundary has been crossed, you can let the person know how you would like to be treated in the future.
Reaffirm a foundation of trust. Because boundaries help establish your comfort levels, rebuilding trust may play a significant role in moving past a boundary cross. There’s a significant chance that breaking this trust will lead to feelings of betrayal; this is why effective communication with the person who’s crossed your boundary is crucial. Let the person know if they’ve broken your trust and work with them on creating a path to rebuilding it.
Make a change if the person is refusing to listen. If someone is refusing to acknowledge that they have crossed your boundaries, you may want to reflect on their inability to hear and see you. Not everyone will respect the boundaries you’ve set and it is in your power to allow or disallow that behavior in your life. You cannot control how others receive you, but you can be clear about how you would like to be treated. If someone is blatantly disrespecting your boundaries, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
While setting and establishing boundaries may be awkward and uncomfortable at first, the more you practice advocating for yourself the more comfort you’ll feel with it. It may never be easy, but it will get easier. If you have set your boundaries and they get crossed, try the tools listed above to navigate where you would like to go next. If you are having trouble discovering, establishing, or sharing your boundaries, our licensed therapists are here to help.
References
What are my boundaries? (2020, September 24). Retrieved July 28, 2022, from https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/
When boundaries aren't respected. (2022, March 21). Retrieved July 28, 2022, from https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/when-boundaries-arent-respected/