Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: Practical Help for Your Relationship
Written By: Chandra Mclaughlin, Marriage and Family Therapy Intern
Key Words: Relationships; Couples Workshops; Gottman
Disclaimer: The information and resources provided in this blog post are simply supplementary information. The recommendations and resources in this post are not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: Practical Help for Your Relationship
John Gottman has researched relationships for years and wrote the book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert with Nan Silver in 1999. In it, they detail the seven ways to strengthen your relationship and make it happy and satisfying.
Enhancing your love maps means knowing your partner’s world. This includes understanding all relevant information, from life dreams to favorite movies, as a best friend would.
Nurture a culture of fondness and admiration. Create an environment where you have a positive view and deep appreciation of your partner and express that regularly.
Turning toward your partner instead of away during times of stress. This way, you both know that your person will be your confidante and “be there” for you.
Let your partner influence you. You shouldn’t make important life decisions autonomously as a single person would. Instead, discussion and cooperation benefit you both as a team.
Solve your solvable problems. All couples have solvable and perpetual problems, but long-term couples solve those they control and understand that some will be perpetual problems.
Overcome gridlock. What often underlies perpetual problems are unfulfilled dreams. Talk about those dreams with the goal of making peace with the problem.
Create shared meaning. Develop the big and small rituals that help build the bond with your partners. Rituals range from hosting an annual party to having coffee together in the morning. (Gottman.com, 2020)
In the book, there are exercises for each principle. These exercises can be used by a couple alone or with their therapist. It’s also possible to attend couple’s workshops around the country and online (see: https://www.gottman.com/events/?tribe_eventcategory=343). The Seven Principles process is perfect for couples who are engaged or contemplating marriage, living together, newlyweds, or couples who have been together for many years. What really matters is the desire to enrich and enhance the relationship and the willingness to do the work. These kinds of workshops are not for every couple; if a couple has severe relational distress, emotional or physical abuse, active addiction, or compulsive behavior, this is not the place to start.
However, if you are looking for a research-backed, pragmatic way to support and enhance your relationship, this process can be highly beneficial.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage
work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Handout: Seven Principles(2000): Gottman Institute Gottman.com