How to Establish Boundaries with a Parent
Written by: Lia Shaffer-Tropeano
Key Words: Boundary setting, relationships, communication, parent and child relationship
Disclaimer: The information and resources provided in this blog post are supplementary information. The recommendations and resources in this post are not a substitute for mental health treatment.
How to Establish Boundaries with a Parent
Establishing boundaries is an integral part of any relationship. Whether with a friend, partner, coworker, or other, it is necessary to set limits to have functional communication and better understand each other’s comfort levels. Whether setting boundaries comes naturally to you or not, establishing them with a parent can be especially difficult. Regardless of your relationship with your parents, parent-child relationships are unlike any other. They may be loving, complicated, friend-like, painful, confusing, non-communicative, or a wide range of identifiers. There are many factors and dynamics at play. If you have two parents in your life, these parents are most likely different, and you may have to adjust your boundaries or enforce more with one over the other. Due to the power dynamic between adolescents and their parents, establishing boundaries may be more complex than with peers, but not impossible!
Throughout your upbringing, your relationship with your parent is likely to change. We’re all familiar with the coined term “it’s just a phase,” used by many parents. These phases we go through might be temporary, as some parents like to think, or they may indicate our growth toward finding ourselves and becoming who we are. Through these periods of growth, our relationship with our parents changes and fluctuates. As people grow into young adults, it is essential to establish boundaries and expectations for a healthy adult relationship with parents. If you are unsure where to start, here are a few ways to facilitate the conversation:
Share what works between you. If establishing boundaries is new to your parent, tell them what you love about your relationship. If your parent views borders in a negative light, assure them they are meant to help your relationship flourish. Let them know there are unique aspects of your relationship, things you can’t get from anyone else.
Clearly state what your boundaries are. Imagine your relationship with your parents through how you would view others. For example, if a friend asks too much of you, you would tell them you cannot meet their demands. It shouldn’t be much different just because you’re trying to set a boundary with someone related to you. Don’t compromise your boundaries for fear of upsetting your parent; with effective communication, they will understand why you’re putting it.
Discuss learned behaviors between you and what you would like to change. Your relationship with one or both of your parents may be the longest one in your life, and with this, there are bound to be learned behaviors between you. These behaviors may be causing your relationship to feel stuck in the past and reflect someone you no longer identify as. Talk about it and share how you would like them to be different.
Be clear and precise. Make sure that there is clarity in what you’re asking for. If there is room for interpretation, then there will be room for misunderstanding.
Help your parent understand and establish their boundaries with you. Your parent might need to know what they need from you or how to ask for it. If they aren’t in the habit of setting boundaries in their relationships, they might need your help. Ask your parent how they feel about your relationship, what they want to improve, and how you can support them.
Compromise. The boundaries you are setting with your parent and the ones they are establishing with you might be overwhelming to incorporate. Remember that borders can be worked toward, and you two can compromise on some asks until you get to a place where they are more concrete.
Establishing boundaries with a parent may be difficult, but it is necessary. When communicated effectively, edges help relationships have clear communication and grow. It may not be accessible due to learned behaviors between parent and child, but it will help cultivate a better relationship overall once established. It is always helpful to have the input of a therapist when discussing major relationship dynamics such as that of a parent and child. If you and a parent have difficulty communicating and establishing boundaries, our licensed family services therapists are ready to help.
References
Raypole, C. (2021, June 17). Eight ways to set boundaries with your parents. Retrieved August 11, 2022, from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries-with-parents#takeaway