Deconstructing Infidelity with Esther Perel
Written By: Kat Flinchbaugh, Counseling Intern
Trigger Warning: Mention of Infidelity; Trigger warning: Mention of sexual intercourse
Key Words: Infidelity, affairs, sex, cheating
Disclaimer: The information and resources provided in this blog post are simply supplementary information. The recommendations and resources in this post are not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Deconstructing Infidelity with Esther Perel
In Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, Perel works to deconstruct the common narrative our society often paints about infidelity. “As tempting as it is to reduce affairs to sex and lies, I prefer to use infidelity as a portal into the complex landscape of relationships and the boundaries we draw to bind them.” Perel explores why infidelity is so common in a world where it is often so vehemently denied. In one study, researcher David Atkins estimates “that over 25% of married men and 20% of married women engage in extra-marital sex over the course of their relationships, (Atkins et al., 2001). However, what defines “sex” and what defines “cheating”? If this study considers sexual penetration to be infidelity or “extra-marital sex,’” how do we define extra-marital relationships that do not involve physical touch, couples in which one member watches porn or a relationship where one partner engages in sexting? Would the percentage in this study increase? As the definition expands, infidelity grows cloudy, undefinable, and complicated.
Perel proposes that “all characterizations of modern infidelity involve the notion of a breach of contract between two individuals.” She further explains that due to this lack of universally agreed-upon definition of what is considered infidelity, her studies “estimate the infidelity prevalence among American couples varies widely, ranging from 26% to 70% for women and from 33% to 75% for men.” This range can be astonishing to the average reader, and one thing is for certain – infidelity is not going anywhere. Perel invites us to discuss the common misconceptions related to infidelity and better understand the confusion it causes for both the victim and perpetrator of an affair. “When we reduce the conversation to simply passing judgment, we are left with no conversations at all” (Perel, 2018).
Critics of this book argue that Perel supports affairs and infidelity. However, when one asks if Perel is “for or against” infidelity, she answers “yes.” For Perel, this answer showcases her opinion that infidelity isn’t black or white but rather grey. This grey area calls for a broader conversation that does not reduce affairs to simply “he or she cheated.” These human experiences are, in fact, much more complicated. When couples experience an affair, they often believe the relationship must end. Yet, many of the stories Perel shares in her book prove that victims of cheating may desire to stay in their relationship. Other stories explain that the perpetrator of the affair was often seeking something on which their partner refused to compromise. Though Perel agrees some relationships must come to an end, she also proposes the idea of starting a marriage or relationship over – what needs to be different or what conversations need to be had as couples begin again? Many of Perel’s clients share that it took their partner having an affair to start exploring those difficult conversations.
Our society shames both the people who stay in marriages with a partner who has cheated and the partner who has engaged in an affair. Though Perel does not condone infidelity, her book works to better understand cheating and why people do it. Perel argues that many people who engage in infidelity are not bad people, nor are the ones who experience cheating from their partners. So why does our society continue to crave new and often secretive relationships? This is the question Perel investigates in hopes of understanding the relationships we hold with one another. Interestingly, though there is a high prevalence of infidelity, a percentage that continues to grow, there is not much research discussing the implications of an infidelity-ridden world – a topic Esther Perel explores head-on.
References
Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., & Jacobson, N. S. (2001). Understanding infidelity: Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4), 735–749. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.15.4.735
Perel, E. (2018). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (Reprint ed.). Harper Paperbacks.